University of Limerick (1998)

Damian Garrihy; has been a rock for nearly a decade. Will probably make the Fitzgibbon centenary team in 2000 and something. Subgoalie at UL is probably the most sought after anywhere - as it is a guaranteed passage to the Clare Senior hurling set up. Shannon’s finest suffered during Stack’s miles and his shedding of pounds was a noticeable feature of 1997/98.

Tom Hickey; Tom is the ultimate drinker with a hurling problem. Such is his problem that Kilkenny have given him the captaincy to try and entice him off the drink. Not a hope. Is usually found in the Hurlers and often with Zig and Zag. The country awaits his Leinster Final speech. Goodbye Kilkenny’s rose…………

Eoin O’Sullivan; Rumour has it that when a certain intercounty team were being tested for their neutron diet five were found to have traces of substance abuse. Now no-one is saying that Sulli is a rampant drug abuser but he has been acting fierce strange. Sulli is an avid fan of Stack and rates him as one of the greatest managers of all time… better even than Gerald McCarthy. Form your own conclusions.

Michael Healy; Mike recently stated that UL hurlers should go on the piss much more. No-man is better informed about the qualities of drinking than Mike. His knowledge of drinking is comparable with his knowledge of the leaba. If any man wants to go on a real session with a real drinker Healy’s the man. Is due to experience the heartache of losing a few All-Ireland’s this Summer. He’ll do some drinking then.

Donal Murphy; Part of the Cork mafia that has recently grasped control of the Hurling club from the Clare boys. Donal is a serious drinker and womaniser. Give him two pints and he goes into mass spasms of drunken hysteria, depression and hormonical fantasy. Tends to be very aggressive on the field of play and at corner back he resembles a dog with a rock around his neck waiting to extoll his satanic physicalities on any opposition.

Enda Flannery; One of the few people who could take Coogan in a drinking session. Enda is definitely not a man to mess with on a night out. Is sure to fulfill his ambition of training under Mike Mac….when Mike Mac becomes Whitegates next manager. UL’s Mr Consistent hurler and all round afficianado.

Marty Phelan; Marty is joining up with Rory McCarthy to form a boy band. Like Rory, Marty has been advised to pursue a career in modelling. No doubt he’ll miss hugging centre forwards, but with the women falling over themselves for this now commandoesque type model, he’ll not be bothered.

Jack Foley; Jacko (and the rest of the Limerick Team) recently went for a run around in Thurles. The word on the streets is that Jacko is about to join the Clare set up - he has recently spent a lot of time viewing the hills of Cratloe. Not a man to mess with, but one hell of a runner (around the field after lads in white jersies).

John Cormican; John recently complained that while at a job interview he was asked questions. John was disgusted and is taking legal advice. He is a drinker who is developing a hurling problem. John is only allowed to drink from plastic glasses as he has a tendency to let glass glasses fall (very hard) on the ground. He has a particular habit of doing this when he is "locked" and in the lodge. Was an inspirational captain for the UL hurling team against Thomond.

David Forde; Fordy has been very impressive recently in the Clare Hurling Team. He is being widely tipped as the next James O’ Connor. He has often said that we must blackguard ourselves and with his binge drinking, marathon sex sessions, outlandish substance abuse, outrageous tracksuits and 80-cigarettes a day habit, he is certainly leading by example. Still at large for assaulting the PRO. A player for the future.

Rory McCarthy; Described on local radio as the "One time Wexford scoring sensation." Tipped to be the lead in the next boy band with Marty as back up. Recently voted one of Ireland’s best looking (that’s an achievement) lads. Has been advised to quit hurling for a career in the fashion industry. He’s still scoring however but not in a GAA capacity.

Brendan Coleman; Our very own, "Follow the Yellow Starlet - Wizard of OZ." Rumour has it that when Brendan goes home, and while he is at home he spends all his time in the back of the Yellow Starlet. His team talks are being banned - they are an incitement to violence. Doesn’t go blackguarding himself like Fordy, though. Developing woman problems to the detriment of his hurling career.

Rory Gantley; "The Gant" has recently suffered an horrific leg injury. No doubt the misses will take care of his leg. This should however save him the trauma of losing all those All-Ireland Finals with Galway during the summer. Gant can be seen smoking, mauling women and heard talking shit after two pints.

Fergal Healy; Unlike Gant, Fergal will probably have to endure a few All-Ireland defeats this Summer. Fergal Absolutely loves vodka and would make a show of Boris Yeltsin in a vodka drinking session. Known to have a roving eye although a very loyal individual especially to the mot. Another avid supporter of Stacko.

Jimmy Coogan; One of the legendary wild men of UL hurling club, Jimmy is a man to stay away from on the session. He can put anyone under the table. Good for at least 20 pints (of Guinness) and that’s before he goes drinking. Is sure to watch any World Cup penalty shoot-outs very carefully.

John O’ Brien; Has followed in the footsteps of O’Hara as Garrihy’s understudy and them getting called onto the Clare Team. Enjoys Macs training sessions. Seems to have enjoyed college life.

Kenneth O’Shea; Ken became Kilkenny’s great hope when DJC retired. The pressure however became unbearable and one day he struck an officer of the law for which he was red-carded. Rumour has it that Ken is fond of a few pints and has been dubbed a "drinker with a hurling problem". Is great friends with Zig and Zag.

Colm O’Doherty; Sure to be back for another season as an assistant Spanish lecturer. Has no chance of making the Phelan’s boy band as the years have taken their toll. Still able to pull the birds and consume inordinate amounts of porter. The Doc is the closest thing to a living legend and has even won the respect of Stack. He has had the foresight and vision to propose the acquisition of five houses for the Hurling Club. These houses would be in close proximity to each other. They would become a focal point for Fordy and his antics. An essential feature of Doc’s new and exciting idea would be the location of nearby service stations (houses full of beautiful women).

Eoin Sheedy; Another "drinker with a hurling problem", Mr. Sheedy can always be found in the Hurlers. He has become affectionately known as "Sporty", and is one of the few people that have confused Irelands sporting media. "Who the f**k is sporty from Kerry?" they once queried. Also responsible for the PRO getting a bad name. A good buddy of Zig and Zag.

Niall Hayes; Niall has realised that drinking is a man’s game. Couldn’t make it home from the Stables one night, found in a ditch, took two days to find out what he had been drinking. (He had 6 pints and he thinks some peach snaps). His managerial career is unblemished and he is in line for the Portumna Junior’s managerial post. Can’t drink, can’t drive, can’t hurl, doesn’t smoke - yet another Galway man.

Jimmy D’Arcy;

Karl Quinn; The PRO. Youngest member of the Fitzgibbon panel. Recently won smile of the month photo competition in the stables for February, pictured with a bouncer who couldn't wipe the grin of his face. His publicist Sheedy did a great job promoting Karl at the event, Seems to be on angel dust when writing articles for the hurling club. Destined to join that great Quinn tradition and take his place as a sub on the Clare Junior hurling team. May return next year if mammy lets him.

Brian O’Driscoll; Don O’Driscoll is the new head of the Gombino family. The Don is currently away, getting an education from other members of organised crime (The GAA bosses). The Cork Don will not tolerate any drinking, smoking, sex or indeed defeat during his reign. Is sure to rule with an iron fist. Almost guaranteed a place on the team. Probably at the expense of a banner man. Cork are back. !!!!!!!!!!!!!

Brendan Breen; Dana International itself. UL hurling club wish to congratulate Brendan on his recent Eurovision success. Has been banned from the new boy band by Marty and Rory. They believe he would ruin their clean cut image. Is not looking forward to the return of Stack. Hopes to get in some games of hurling during the Summer before he returns to UL for another frustrating season on the bench.

Kevin Nealon; The GOFOR is presently in Spain. No more of that. Pizzza. Come on Tipp., we’re mad. Up Tipp. Tipp to put a spanner in the banner. An Tipp. I love Tipp. Tip Tipp for the Cup! We’re all part of Len’s army! We are Tipp., we are fierce good altogether. There is only one Tipp. I’m a sub. I want a Spanish girl but I can’t get one because I’m from Tipp. Here’s a tip Veggie - Tipp off….

Michael Connoly; Another victim of the drug purges down south, Mike has recently recovered from a serious leg injury. When a player suffers such an injury they quite often never recover, to the detriment of promising careers. But Mike has worked hard and has never flinched to put his career back to where it belongs. In the darkest hours and right through his convalescence Mike Connolly kept his career on track. Mike will surely now be the first man to be a professional drinker.

Niall Hayes; In a season where attendances at training have never been as high Niall Hayes (he of Limerick) was probably the most consistent of inconsistencies. Rain, hail, snow, injury, sunshine - all kept Niall from his beloved training. A professional hurler and a definite starter again next season.

Malachy Travers; The Wexford Rocket was second only to Hiall Hayes in interest in training. Young Travers enjoys his few beers. UL hurling can rest assured that another player is on his way to becoming a drinker with a hurling problem. Not as big a piss-pot as Fitz but then he’s not as big a man. Another of Stacks favourites Mal has joined the Cork mafia, and his outlandish views are sure to be an asset to the club.

Niall Fitzgerald; The biggest piss-pot in the 1997/98 Fresher class. Is constantly drunk. Stack is a big fan - reckons he’s the business but at what we don’t know. His beer belly is growing by the day and he should be good for a twenty minute mile come September. Is also a qualified Irish Whiskey taster. Another member of the Cork mafia.

Michael Stritch; One of Monaleen favourite sons. Mike is also know to fall around the place in drunken states of sardonic bliss. A dual member of the Intermediates and Seniors his wit and knowledge of the game had men and women in infectious states of laughter.

Mike Kelly; Would the real Sporty please stand up? Fancied his chances as Fitzgibbon manager and is known to be unhappy with his role as advisor to Stack. Sporty is demanding a greater say in team affairs next season. With Honan also vying for control there is a strong possibility of a violent power struggle between Stack, Honan and Sporty. Very upset at Sheedy taking his jersey. This is thought to be the reason for Sheedy not returning. Sure to make Coleman captain.

Ciaran O’Loughlin; "He’s done the Club some service, no more of that."

John Kelleher; John had trouble finding his feet as the GAA Development Officer forthe University of Limerick. Also had trouble finding Limerick it seems - rumour has it he was in the Tralee IT dressing room after they won the Sigerson this year!! A real rebel in the GAA world and would never say yes to anyone. An outstanding friend to Mary I who just love him. He believes that in hurling, players should play the ball into the forwards - John is ahead of his time. Is sure to apply this tactic to Clare club hurling. How will Clare hurling cope with this revolutionary and original tactician.

Sean Stack; Sean, who loves publicity, defied all linguists by coining a new acronym in the English language.
PITIFUL :Pissed, Inebriated, Thick, Insalubrious, F***kers from the University of Limerick.
"Ye’re fierce nice fellas lads but ye can be right bastards." Ah Sean, your confusing us…… Has been compared to Roy Evans.
 

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