Karl Quinns wacky look at Hurling in UL

Karl has been described as the Mystery man of UL Hurling, ULs Kaiser Sosa appearing out of nowhere to be the PRO of UL Hurling Club and dissapearing in to the heartland of Clare (Recently recieving a call up for the Clare Juniors). Karl is the regular Hurling Guru in UL and is responsible for most of the match reports in the local media, Rumour has it that the Sunday Game are looking for a new analyst, It is also rumoured that tactical advice will be administered by John Kelleher. the reports don't read like typical GAA reports and take a bit of reading it's because they are supposed to and there is no offense intended!

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Senior Pig, intermediate Pig and Fresher Pig(Twins actually). Early one October their mother decided that it was time for them to go out into the big bad world. It was time for the three little Pigs to try to bring home some bacon. Mother wondered which of them would succeed. Would it be (the twins) Fresher Pig, who, although young and naive was full of dashing and bright ideas? Fresher Pig, although not as worldly as the other two, was adventurous and always willing to try something new. Would it be Intermediate Pig, mother's protege, who would be the most successful? On two previous occasions Intermediate had gone out on small errands and had returned successfully. Would it be Senior Pig, the darling in mother's eye, who would go forth and conquer? Senior Pig was every mother's dream. Hugely talented, intelligent, destined for greatness but lacking in something. Mother was not quite sure. Senior Pig was at times strange. Under the guidance of their tutor, an old and wise greyhound, the three little Pigs were ready to set out on the road that would lead to ultimate success or failure. From the early days it was evident that Senior Pig was going to achieve much more than the others. It was Senior Pig who built the house of Bricks while the others wallowed in their houses of Straw (Fresher) and Wood (Intermediate). (The Three Little pigs received grants from LENMAC to build their houses.) When they returned home for Christmas Mother was delighted that her three Little Pigs had created beginnings. Unfortunately one of the twins developed a viral infection and did not make it through the Christmas. Heartbroken as the others were - they realised that..... well, life goes on. The others just had to grin and bear it. Their wise old tutor made sure they did not rest on their laurels during the break - often taking them for long walks in slow, hail, ice and darkness. Santa Claus had come and gone and now it was time to return to the jungle. Mother wished them well and sent them packing with lots of lottery tickets. One fine evening while walking in the Sunny South East with their tutor, Senior and Intermediate were set upon by the Big Bad Wolves of Lairge Port- Senior and Intermediate wolf! Now there are those who would turn and run at the sight of the Big Bad wolves, but not our little Pigs. Their wise old tutor advised them to head for their houses while he decided what to do. Senior and Intermediate reached their Houses just before the wolves arrived (just by the hair of their chinny chin chins actually). After much huffing and puffing the Wolves from Lairge Port blew down Intermediates house and ...yes...they killed Intermediate Pig. Pitiful, eh? They also huffed and puffed at Seniors House. Although they blew the house down Senior had the pace to escape, running back to mother with a tail between two legs. Mother was inconsolable at the loss of her beloved, Intermediate. Tutor did not know what to do with Senior Pig. Why hadn't Senior Pig stood up to Senior Wolf ? Was there anything else they could have done to avoid a humiliating defeat? Meanwhile.....back at the ranch. Fresher as I have said, was a little naive. When Senior ran home and saw fresher lying alongside the Straw House he advised him to take some drastic measures. Fresher felt that he was too smart to be outwitted by the Wolves. Alas, Fresher was ambushed by the Wolf of Jackeen territory and duly, kidnapped. Now all that was left was Senior, Mother and the wise old Tutor - an old dog who had traveled many roads. One fine February afternoon a dark cloud descended over the homestead. The inevitable had happened. What everyone feared was about to become reality. Yes, Wolf in Blue and his cousin Wolf in Black had ridden in to town. These had a notorious reputation as whiskey drinkin,' horse theivin' renegades. Wolf in Black and Tutor had once ridden together in earlier less complicated and less successful times. Wolf in Blue had once aspired to join the Pig family but duty had called and now they were arch enemies. After a long and epic battle the Wolf family out-thought and out- fought Senior Pig and Tutor. Mother looked on as Senior and Tutor succumbed to a ferocious onslaught. Senior fought bravely, to the bitter end. Tutor somehow survived but it would take months to recover. (A few days later, Wolf in Blue was ambushed by the Wolf of Lairge Port .) Mother was now devastated. Mother mourned for a full twenty three days. Tutor was gone, but not forgotten. Senior and Intermediate Pig were gone. Of the Three Little Pigs, who started out in early October, only Fresher was still alive. Fresher had been kidnapped by the Jackeen Gang. Mother rounded up all her diplomatic contacts and after hours of delicate negotiation Fresher was freed. Fresher goes on to achieve a little success that year, saving Mother from total heartbreak. Mother now looks back on a year that had started out so bright and promising. Of the three little Pigs, only Fresher had made it. Mother was weak and did not have the will to carry on . Leaving was inevitable. But Mother was happy because today's Fresher was tomorrow's Senior and Intermediate. Next year's Fresher will be wiser and stronger. Fresher will be capable of building a new house of Bricks and taking of the Big Bad wolf. Rumour has it that another Fresher is on the way. The Wolf in Blue was a curse to Tutor, Mother and the three little Pigs - Why didn't he just go and eat Little Red Riding hood who after all, had the ultimate success in disposing of the Wolf of Lairge Port.

After many years of persuasion Thomond College, or what was formerly known as, has decided to take up on U.L.'s offer of a Hurling match. LENMAC. Thomondites have long argued that they would be much better off without the real student body while the real student body have always had reservations about the tracksuits. With five tracksuits on the Fitzgibbon Team which was defeated by the Guards, Thomond can certainly justify it's invasion of the Cuckoo's nest. (If you say that someone is Cuckoo, you mean that they are a little bit mad. (Collins English Dictionary, 1987,343). LENMAC. The Cuckoos, renowned for their drinking, power cuts and invasions of other nests, have long held the belief that U.L. hurling club is not a tracksuit club. The sight of a U.L. hurler walking around campus in a tracksuit is similar to one of the most apt descriptions of this years hurling season - PITIFUL (taken from "Pitiful: an all-round word to describe things that go wrong", 1998, p.1,2,3,...99,100., Stacko). The Hurlers of the University of Limerick under the guidance of Niall Hayes (Port.), have been on a strict training regime for the game. No one seems to know how Niall got the job. It most certainly wasn't a committee decision but it is generally believed in Hurl;ing circles (very, very small circles) that he has the experience and shrewdness to bring success to the hurlers of the University of Limerick. He has the stuff to do it. LENMAC. Thomond have had a very low key approach to the affair. Sceptics believe that they cannot train in the current weather conditions as they may get their tracksuits dirty. The Cuckoos, as always, will be seen out , in Monaleen, on the night of the game (in the Stables (watch out for the baseball cap snatchers) the night before). Please leave your cameras at home. It is believed that the tracksuits will not be out. They say that they can't get in anywhere wearing tracksuits but everyone knows that the real reason is that they just don't drink. So the hurling world looks forward to the clash of two great institutions, divided in history but united in progress, on Wed. week 6 at 2.30pm. "Every one talks about my drinking but nobody talks about my thirst" -Behan. PS The members of the University of Limerick Hurling Club are very grateful for the generous sponsorship from LENMAC MECHANICAL SERVICES. Thanks John.

Never before in the annals of history has SO MUCH (Fitzgibbon Cup and one months free beer) been taken from SO MANY (Hurlers and supporters) by so few (Man in Black). And so it came to pass that even though we fought them in the pubs and on the streets and in the clubs and on our way home, finally we had to surrender. The Blitzkrieg tactics that had created havoc throughout the Third Level hurling world were brought to an abrupt halt by the Man in Black and the Boys in Blue. We went down fighting and a last minute assault (penalty) failed to breach the guard of the Garda. No turn was left unstoned, no night left lonely and no maiden left home on our quest for ultimate glory.
What more can be done but to wallow in self pity and wonder were Mary I actually a fine team ?

Well, now the end is nigh, and I must face the final curtain.....tournaments and seven asides and petty squabbles and only seven on the piss and none of the team (that's why they're the team) and no Town I Loved so well. Anyway the Intermediates also lost their way....but at least they went down bravely with their ship and with Ciaran, The Last Man Standing and Veggie not being able to stand.

The Seniors also lost their league semi-final and Kilkenny lost another great and then another during the great war. To add insult to injury and suspension, our only unbeaten team, the Freshers lost because, this is my firm belief, their manager said they were the only unbeaten team in the College BEFORE THE GAME.......its all your fault Ger , that's when it all started to go AWOL. History, however will always shine through even the darkest hour. In years to come George will be asking the contestants "Who was the Kerry man to play Fitzgibbon with UL in 1998?" Well done Sporty.....you were always destined to become famous.

The Last Word will be left to the man who must have taken Seanie's place during their Clare Hey-day....there IS no other explanation. PITIFULL.

Karl Quinn PRO.

Fitzgibbon Campaign.

On Feb.4th the Senior team open their Fitzgibbon campaign to Mary I. Mary I are the only team to have beaten the Seniors this year. Therefore Mary I are favourites to win this tie (rumour has it that they are so confident they are going to send out their second team), and to capture the Fitzgibbon. The Seniors only hope is to concentrate on the league. At least Mary I are out of that so w e have some chance of winning it.

Karl Quinn PRO.